Grateful For My Daddy's Love

November 22, 2012

Thinking of dad. Remembering our last thanksgiving together - 2011.  In my childhood home, we gathered together and thanked dad one by one - Sophie, Tess, Kurt, me, Donnie, Brad, Annie, Margaret, John III and Suzanne. Nana and Granddaddy (my dad) were pleased to have all of us there, save for John IV (Baby John), who stayed in the Chicago area but would join us at Christmas.  Thank God that we did indeed celebrate with Baby John and Granddaddy just one month later.  It was the last Christmas we would share with dad or Baby John.  (It too was a moment I will cherish forever).

As I read to him my words of love and gratitude, dad looked me in the eyes and his love for me seemed to grow - if that were even possible.  It was one of his last parting gifts. He listened without speaking (a rarity) and received our kind words.  As I spoke to him his eyes filled with compassion and tears.  And I felt his total acceptance.

In his eyes, I saw my life in full and I felt the warmth of his love.
In his eyes, I felt accepted.
I am grateful for that memory.
I am so grateful for my father's love - that I knew it throughout my life.
Thank you Heavenly Father for the gift of my daddy's love and acceptance.

John Cornelius Versnel, IV

Mercer Island Reporter Mercer Island

John Cornelius Vernel, IV  - posted on Wednesday, 03 Oct 2012

John Cornelius Versnel, IV

John Cornelius Versnel, IV, son of John and Suzanne, brother of Margaret and Anne, passed away Saturday September 15, 2012. He was 21 and had lived a very good life. John will be sorely missed by everyone who knew him. John attended St. Monica Parish School on Mercer Island from kindergarten through eighth grade and graduated from Seattle Preparatory School. He started playing lacrosse in seventh grade and was a proud member of Prep’s undefeated season in 2008. At Prep, John was active in the theatre program and received the Excellence in Drama award. He loved the Jesuits and everything Ignatius stood for. His only criteria when choosing a college was that it be in a “city” and it be Jesuit. Loyola University in Chicago turned out to be the perfect place for him. At Loyola, John quickly developed a large, diverse and close knit group of friends. He was a math major with an economics minor and on the Dean’s list. At the time of his death, John was a Senior conducting research with two of his professors for a paper that will be published next year. He had also just secured an internship with Merrill Lynch working with analysts. Days before his untimely death, John related that he had “never been happier.”John will be remembered for his smile, larger than life personality and love of practical jokes. His friends describe him as “goofy,” in a very good and loving way. They will miss his roaring laughter and the hugs he gave with all his heart. John loved, and thoroughly enjoyed, his family, animals (especially his dog Scout), his friends, lacrosse, photography, The Art Institute, Seattle’s weather and life itself. Weeks before he passed, John took in a foster dog, Bentley, and had planned to adopt him. His family asks that remembrances be sent in John’s name to Paws Chicago. (www.pawschicago.org)John is survived by his maternal grandmother, his parents, two sisters, six aunts, eight uncles, 13 cousins, Kelly and countless friends. 

http://www.mi-reporter.com/obituaries/

Loyola mourns death of student

Loyola mourns death of student

Eulogy notes

On behalf of my mom and my brothers and sister, I want thank you all for being here today to honor my dad. For nine months, he fought bravely against a horrible disease. An endearing quality about my dad was that he always felt the need to get the house completely in order before he went to sleep every night. We were all aware of his desire to get “the house” in order in his final months, weeks, days and even hours before he could rest in peace. And I can tell you that he did that, with perseverance, dignity and unfailing love for his family.

Today we are reminiscing about dad but I also want to tell you that at Thanksgiving we were all together and we were all able to tell dad how much we loved him and how much he has meant to us. It was like a memorial for dad and I know it meant a lot to him. We were blessed to have had that time with dad to express our gratitude for his steadfastness and his love. 

Mostly we are talking about dad’s attributes but here are a couple of historical footnotes:

1.     college years – Colby college is very important to the Jacobs family. His dad, The Captain, and all of his siblings graduated from Colby College in Waterville, ME.  He attended with his big brother Bob and they lived in the DKE house.  Dad was a three sport athlete and he often said that these years were the best in his life.  To which mom would say, “Thanks a lot, John.”   Please take a moment to ask Uncle Bob about their many fun times at the reception following this ceremony.

2.     marriage to mom – they were married for 50 years.  I really believe that this is what dad would talke about.  They shared a special connection and were definitely best friends.  A favorite family story is when mom first laid eyes on dad…Mom saying to herself, “Oooh.  How’d you like to be married to someone like that?”  truly dad was a handsome man.

·      They had ups and downs like many of us, but they relied on one another and they always made one another laugh.  They had their own little jokes which were enjoyed in front of us whether we were clued in to the private moment or not.  [dad would lean over and whisper to mom and they’d laugh hysterically – so many times and I loved it.] 

·      When Kurt and I started our family, mom and dad would stay with us often because Kurt would frequently travel.  We got used to hearing them late at night giggling behind closed doors.    We knew that they were retelling things that the kids had done that day, making fun of the way we tried so desperately to be deliberate about the way we parented or that they were just teasing one another.  They would lie awake giggling often.

Kurt and I, on behalf of the family, would like to touch on two of the prevailing THEMES in dad’s life:

·      Only Boring People Get Bored

o   Sports – always big part of his life.  He played baseball, football, and basketball in high school and college.  His favorite was football (I think?).  all-american.  drafted NY Giants

o   Reminiscing - It was better back in the day

o   Amuse himself – asking wait staff for a list of beers knowing they wouldn’t have -  Dortmunder, Gluden Draak, Belhaven, Hacker Schorr, Warsteiner?  Amuse himself with special phrases:

§  Give it a rest

§  Big game

§  NEGATIVE

§  Good O!

§  Aw Tres

§  C’mon Tres

§  Bulldust!

§  Whosamadinger

§  We like…to do this…

o   Places – loved telling stories, which were tied to locations.  He always knows local trivia that supported his beliefs about how great southwest Washington (or Portland, ME) is (was)

§  Living on Capitol Hill and “Aye Maya Kowa” fending for Bob & John “BobJohn no like”

§  South Portland, Maine

§  Vancouver/Portland – proud of Vancouver.  Can never get Washington news down here – it’s all Oregon.  “Pretty sure we are the only county in the state who didn’t vote for that communist”

o   Meticulous –

o   Cleaning fairy – wake up and everything would be back in it’s place

o   The difference between trash and garbage.  How to recycle properly.

o   Dish towel vs. hand towel

o   Every night for as long as any of us can remember he would “police the grounds”

o   Always had the best fit product with a litany of reasons why – 3-ply paper towels, toilet paper,

o   Insisted upon showing each of us that doing things the right way may not always be the easy way – even in the little things like cleaning the kitchen, and opening and closing a door properly

You can see that dad engaged his mind in plenty different ways because “only boring people get bored.”

2^nd world view – everybody needs a friend

·      Dad was a man of faith – he didn’t often discuss it, but it was revealed in his life and his relationships

He always said – “Everybody needs a friend” and he spent much of his life being one. . .

o   When Brad shared at Thanksgiving, he talked about how much he appreciated the fact that dad never gave up on him.  It is true.  And the fact is, we all felt that way. Each one of us thanked dad for a variety of things, but there was one very clear, unifying theme.  We felt his unconditional love and we knew that he would never give up on any one of us. Dad was able to communicate constructive criticism while being supportive; firm but kind; and all the while communicating his total acceptance of us even when we faltered.

Dad valued things like

o   Fairness – evaluated things on whether or not they were fair.  He always tried to be fair and made decisions accordingly. It often made him root for the underdog.

o   Generosity – he was generous with his money - to a fault perhaps, but I couldn’t imagine him having it any other way. He was generous with grace for people with three possible exceptions:

1.     Democrats

2.     Idiots who never learned to use the English language properly, and

3.     Those of us who never learned how to open and close a door correctly

o   Kindness – Encouraging us to always be kind and teaching me the importance of sincerity and honesty. He wasn’t sarcastic or passive aggressive and even with people he didn’t care for, he tried his best to show kindness.

o   Caregiver – to mom especially.  Mom points out that they took care of each other and that’s true.  But dad really seemed to have found his calling once he retired.  He genuinely enjoyed taking care of mom.

§  Last June in the cancer center, Tracy, PA, was encouraging dad to be more mindful of his health and self-care. . .he hadn't eaten all day. He was explaining why - he had been tending to mom all morning. I explained to Tracy the trauma of mom coming home needing additional care and then getting his cancer diagnosis the following day. I said, "he's not ready to relinquish his role as caretaker."  Dad bowed his head and whispered, "I can't - she's my buddy."

o   Unconditional Love – I don’t know of anyone who was better at looking past my imperfections and loving me wholeheartedly. I know that my mom and siblings feel the same way.

Lastly, I want to mention dad’s

o   Physical Presence – just having him in the room was comforting.  He was strong, imposing, constant, warm.  Anecdotes about his presence and size

§  Hugging mom so hard that her pearl necklace broke – pearls rolling one by one down the sidewalk

§  Carrying us into bed from the car when we pretended to be asleep

§  Letting us stand on his feet while he waltzed us around the kitchen

§  Lifting each of us like a barbell to the ceiling – made us feel like dad was the biggest strongest protector we could ever have

§  Shared his beautiful smile and big hearty laugh – it was always such a comfort and made happiness bubble to the surface.  Dad’s laugh was so loud and distinct, that a man recorded his laugh once.

When I think about what Granddaddy really liked and what he was like, I think of him as always wanting to engage. He’d have his newspaper or the news or a ‘big game’ on, or some little project that he would be working on throughout the day, but he was always ready to talk, to share, and to laugh. His presence in the moment was a gift that we will always remember and treasure.

God is my constant now

I started this blog to help me work through my dad's illness and eventual passing.  From time to time, I jot down little notes on my phone or on my computer, but I have yet to post a second entry.  As I watch my dad grow thinner and more frail, I feel completely off kilter.  He is my dad.  My daddy.  My tender-hearted, loud and imposing, CONSTANT.  I don't want to let him go and neither does mom.

What could be more painful than losing my father?

• Watching mom and dad try to make sense of his diagnosis.
• Seeing mom's despair at the thought of losing her lifelong companion, her means and support, her loyal caretaker and faithful friend.
• Fearing that dad's fight will end without assurance that mom will persevere or that his children will overcome their struggles and lead peaceful lives.

I don't know if these things are more painful...they simply make it all the more devastating and real.

But there are good moments -

• Having time to spend with him and listen to those stories about the Captain, his college years, and adventures with Uncle Bob all over again is a joy.
• Discussing those topics that we haven't broached for decades like faith and hope and meaning have been treasured moments.
• And the transition that my heart has made for dad over the years has given me peace.

It is a relief - a feeling of contentment - to know that I have looked to him as my hero and my protector, and on to anger and pain as I began to recognize his humanity.  But once I realized that even fathers have faults, I was able to see those shortcomings in a different light and we've spent so much of the last decade(s) just enjoying one another.  Now I look at him with the same love and grace that he has given me for 43 years.  And even though he is slipping away from me, I thank God that I have known dad's great love for me and that we still have today to share with one another.  I thank God that He is my true constant.

Moments I Want to Remember

In the doc office yesterday (6/11/2011) Tracy W., dad's oncology PA, was encouraging dad to be more mindful of his health and self-care. . .he hadn't eaten. He was explaining why - he had been tending to mom all morning (major bag malfunction). I explained to Tracy the trauma of mom coming home with an ostomy bag and then getting his diagnosis the following day. I said, "he's just not ready to relinquish his role as caretaker."  Dad bowed his head and whispered, "I can't - she's my buddy." Tracy and I had a difficult time holding back the tears. We exchanged blood shot glances and swallowed back the sweet bitterness of the moment.